Week 32:  Mental Breakdown

Let me begin by saying that I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman, gosh darn it!

And yet, just once I'd like just 10 "quiet" moments to put on some make-up and do my hair so that if people see me outside of my home (in my sweats and Ugg boots with an over sized sweat-shirt. . .isn't that a pretty picture) I don't look like a panhandler walking around with 2 kids and another on the way.  Although at times I feel that way only I want to panhandle my kids "to" someone.  Just kidding.

The other day when I woke up from yet another horrible night of sleep, it was chaos from the word "mornin".  I think I need to cut out my coffee intake (I swear it's only one cut a day) and chocolate habits because I feel so anxious and irritable and a friend told me that a friend of her's had a Doctor who told her to do that very same thing.  I will try anything that might work to get my hormones back in check, at least for the last 7 weeks of pregnancy.  I swear my kids must think I am Shrek at times only not as funny and maybe not as green.  And thank God Dan knows where the hospital is because even though it is right down the street I can't seem to get the street names right and I pass it every time for check-ups. Speaking of, we are at twice a week with check-ups now and let me tell you it gets a bit over bearing to have to pee in a small cup when you can barely see your feet, thank God for sinks and soap.

So what topped off my week was when my Nephew Matthew came home from School and said he was going to the Library.  I asked if he could go to McDonalds. . .a place I swore I would never take my kids, to get some food for me and the little rug rats.  Well he got us Happy Meals which is great but when he handed me the bag of "fat" I noticed he wasn't carrying a drink with him.  HUGE mistake, for that was really what I was wanting in the first place.  I absolutely grilled him as to WHY they forgot to give him the Lemonade and WHY he failed to ask for it.  Answer. . ."oh Shiest" he used a different term but I won't repeat it!  So I carried on for a good long while making him feel like crap I am sure and ended up saying "that's ok, don't worry about it". . .but little did I know that answer would send my emotions tumbling down a dark deep tunnel for which there was no way back.  When Matt took off to the Library, and thank God he did it quickly, I sat down with the kids to assemble their "here, I am too tired to fix you lunch" meal and Zach asked where his drink was.  I said, "just go grab a juice out of the frig".  Well then Jacob had his eyes focused on what Zach had and of coarse wanted the same thing. . .monkey see monkey do.  So because Jacob is not strong enough to open the frig I had to get off my Big, Pregnant, lazy comfortable butt to get him a juice.  Well, when I sat back down, I laid back to rest my head for a bit and that's when I felt a warm rush of emotions just over come my entire body.  I put my face in my hands and started sobbing.  I NEEDED THAT LEMONADE darn it!!!!!!

I was sobbing so hard it almost felt. . .well. . .good!  What kind of helped me through this whole episode was Zach and Jacob.  They saw me crying and Zach immediately said "is the baby kicking your belly mommy?" I had to say "Yes" because what else would a four year old understand about emotional failure.  And Jacob, well he is a little cutie pie, he was so concerned that he leaned over and put his head on my belly and then tried to uncover my eyes to see if there were any tears coming out.  I quickly had to regain composure so as not to scare the kids into thinking mommy has completely lost it, but I couldn't lift myself out of the position I was sitting in without losing my bladder - that happens a lot when you are pregnant, to go to another room to just let it out.  So there I sat feeling helpless and guilty that my kids were eating "fast food" because I just can't seem to drum up any energy these days to fix them lunch.

Well, it didn't stop there folks!  Half an hour had past and Dan was going to be walking into the house any moment now unsuspecting of any of the run away emotions.  Sure enough, Jacob had given me a nice surprise in his diaper so I had to set him down on the floor to change him which is right by the entrance.  Right after pulling his pants up and wrapping yet another diaper up, Dan walks through the door and we say "hi" and he asked me how my day was. . .and that was all she wrote.  Mind you I was still on the floor with dirty diaper in hand still wanting that damn lemonade!  I was face planted in my hands crying even harder than before and Dan had asked "what's wrong" as if he hadn't noticed the HUGE belly I have been carrying around for the last 7 months.  "What's wrong" I answered. . .and well that opened up a whole can of worms. "I have no time to put make-up on, I dress like I am 3 hundred pounds because nothing fits me anymore, I hate my hair because it does nothing, I can't even shower in the morning because I have heckle and jeckle at my feet all day and this baby inside of me. . . bless his heart, is moving around so much it impairs me to do anything.  That's what's wrong."  So he (luckily for his sake) sympathized with me and helped my up and said "go take a shower and lay in bed I will take care of the kids."  Well, it didn't take me long to disappear. . .I was gone, in the shower. . .still sobbing but at least not in front of the kids.  Hours later I had emerged from hiding and saw Zach playing in the play room and he said "Mommy, are you done resting" I said "yes I am" and then Thanked Dan for rescuing me if only for a few hours.

An hour later I had taken a sleeping pill and was out for the count until it was to start all over again the next day.  Oh, and I never got my Lemonade!!  Drats!